a world without danger
by conv. hearts
Summary: Don't worry, Konan. Deidara's probably just having tea with the faeries. And by tea, I mean letting them drink his blood or something. They're very persuasive. AU. Akatsukicentric. /she's got a hiatus like WOE.
1. prologue: where is your boy tonight?

**. . . a world without danger . . . **

Don't worry, Konan. Deidara's probably just having tea with the faeries. And by tea, I mean letting them drink his blood or something. They're very persuasive. AU. Akatsukicentric.

_prologue._

_where is your boy tonight?_

"This is ridiculous, Deidara. I'm going home."

_This _is how it always starts, you know. I'm just trying to survive day-to-day life and keep Itachi and Deidara away from each other's throats, and one of them decides to throw a mind-bomb at me. It's usually Deidara. Itachi doesn't have the personality for surprises. I have doubts about him having any sort of personality at all, actually, but that's a secret we can just keep between us two. I'm already short on friends; I don't need _him _getting all miffed at me.

At the moment, Deidara is crouched in front of me with a grin plastered all over his face and sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose. Mind you, it's midnight, and I never liked that one old song. I'm standing behind him and doing my very best to look _normal, _because honest-to-god, if we get arrested because he looks like a rapist or a murderer, my parents just might kill me. And if Itachi's _dad_ is the arresting officer, Itachi's going to know that we went on a stupid crusade again.

When we go on stupid crusades -- well, when Deidara comes up with stupid crusades and I tag along to make sure he doesn't kill himself -- Itachi takes away our homework-copying privileges. That's definitely not good for my grades, sanity, social life, or parental situation, and he _knows _it.

Deidara doesn't really give a flying fuck either way, but, well, that's Dei. There's nothing you can do to stop him from being an idiot. Hence, the babysitting I'm often forced into.

When I threaten to go home, though, he looks up at me and I'm certain there are puppy-dog blues shimmering behind those dark glasses. "Konan, c'mon. I told you, what I saw yesterday was wicked cool -- they had _wings, _Konan. Wings and sparkly skin and _you've got to see it."_

Yeah. Deidara's new kick is the existence of faeries. I think I liked him better when he was making explosives and getting blamed for minor acts of terrorism around the school. We've been hiding here, by the wall between the park and the street, for like a zillion hours -- alright, alright, like twenty minutes but it's _cold -- _and I'm really getting sick of the whole thing. Rolling my eyes, even though he'll never notice, I flop down onto the ground beside him and start pulling up weeds that're growing up from the sidewalk cracks. "If you were drunk, it doesn't count."

"Sure it does. But I wasn't." He says this like it's the most obvious thing ever, like I'm an idiot, and like he's not clinically insane for crouching behind a wall, staring at a park through tinted shades in hope of seeing a _faerie. _That reminds me of another point that I don't think I've beaten into his mind quite enough -- then again, it can take years to convince Deidara of something once he's got his own ideas.

"You still haven't told me why you're wearing sunglasses."

He sighs melodramatically, and I resist the urge to smack him. He really does think I'm an idiot for not believing him. Damn crazy blonde bastard. "You remember in like, fifth grade or something, when the teacher said I'd never have to go to detention for him again if I'd read an actual series of books?"

"Vaguely." No, actually, but this is just another thing to humor him on. The grass I'm pulling up can only go so far to entertain me, after all.

"Yeah, well, I chose Artemis Fowl, right?"

"That you did," I say. I know that _I _read Artemis Fowl in fifth grade, but I still have severe doubts about Deidara ever having gotten past the adventures of Dick, Jane, and their dog Spot.

He settles his chin on the brick wall, knees pressed against the pavement and sunglasses glinting slightly in the headlights of traffic -- _please do not call in a pair of dark-clothed creeps on the corner of Fourth and Freemont, guys -- _, and continues on in a perfectly conversational tone. "The faeries have mesmer. It's like -- it _hypnotizes _you. Artemis wears mirrored sunglasses so they can't do it to 'im."

I glance at his glasses, shifting so that our faces are on a more even plane. "And…are your glasses mirrored, Deidara? Because of the advice in a fantasy novel for ten-year-olds?"

"Nah. Couldn't find any that were mirrored. It's the _suggestion _of not being able to be mesmerized that'll save me, Konan. Keep up. You sure you don't want a pair?"

"No, I'm just counting on you to save me when the faeries hypnotize me, Deidara. Be my hero." I say dryly, leaning my head back so that I can stare up at the darkened sky more easily. I can't see any stars -- of course I can't see any stars. Too many city lights, and nowhere near enough time to shoot out every streetlight and smash every fuse box. That's a lot of work for just a few pinpoints of star, anyway. "I'm just staying because I'm worried about your well-being, you know."

"I know."

"And I think you're crazy, you know."

"I know. I don't think the talking is conducive to faerie-watching, Ko."

"And I don't believe in faeries, you know."

"I know. You made a bet about it. But, Ko, really, I don't think --"

"And there's no one else alive who's going to believe you either, you know."

"I know -- Ko! Konan! Shut up and --"

"And it's dumb that you're going to so much effort for this. We have school tomorrow, you know."

"Konan, shut the fuck up and look at the park," he hisses excitedly, tugging on my arm. "Look look look look look!"

I'm certain that he's finally gone off the deep end, so I heave a sigh almost as melodramatic as his and push myself up to look over the wall. "Dei, honey, there's nothing --"Oh holy fuck, there is something there. There are several somethings there, and they have shimmery wings and they almost look like people and some of them look breathtakingly familiar and they all just look heartbreakingly beautiful and _oh my god._

Without saying a word, I reach into the pocket of my jeans and pull out a fifty. Deidara snaps it out of my fingers just as briskly as a bank robber, and gives me a grin that's almost feral. "Wanna get closer?"

"Yes. No. Let's just --"

I don't know what I'm about to suggest, but then I black out. When I wake up the next morning, my mom is asking me where Deidara is and why I was out so late last night. Apparently, I looked just like a zombie when I finally stumbled in around three.

All I know is that Itachi's father is investigating Deidara's disappearance, my blood and his are mixed up on that park wall, and there's a phone number scrawled onto my left arm in permanent ink.

* * *

I have excuses for having written this, I swear.

Anyone _else _read the modern faery tales by Holly Black? Yes? Now, pick Valiant or Ironside up and find a page Luis is on. Every time Luis is mentioned, picture Pein in his place. _Yes. _Also, am I the only one who got sick of Valiant and just skipped ahead to read the pages with Roiben on 'em? And Ethine just made me giggle. It's not kidnapping if you let them eat blueberry pie.

And yesss, the majority of Akatsuki is scheduled to show up in here, as are all my favorite good guys. As per the usual, the good guys are omg-evil and the Akatsuki are just pathetic.

(By the way, all the IMPORTANT notes are at the very bottom of the next chapter. :D)

-- conversation hearts. (BITCHPLZ, it's past Valentines and everyone is mentioning my name and it's SHIT.)


	2. 1: another one bites the dust

**. . . a world without danger . . . **

Don't worry, Konan. Deidara's probably just having tea with the faeries. And by having tea, I mean letting them drink his blood or something. They're very persuasive. AU. Akatsukicentric.

_chapter one._

_another one bites the dust._

Three days after Deidara's disappearance, and nobody's made any headway into finding him. I called the number that was scrawled across my arm, after about six hours of panicking and forcing Itachi to come over and talk me off of some metaphorical cliff, but it was disconnected. Is that supposed to be a clue? Am I supposed to find the address it belonged to once upon a time, or something? I don't have the time. I don't have the methods. I just really, really want to find Deidara, and find out why I saw things that might have been faeries in the park that night.

Itachi doesn't share my conviction. Well, that's a partial lie. He wants to find Deidara just as badly as I do, because let's face it -- the three of us are best friends, hell or high water, and it's not okay to just let it go when your best friend disappears. The thing is, I told him all about the faeries. The things Deidara told me, the things I saw, the theories that managed to squirm into my head between our arrival at the wall and my departure from detached awareness. He just took it all in quietly, and then told me that blaming faeries for Deidara's disappearance is ridiculous.

He's right, of course. Itachi is _always _right. That's how he was raised, I guess. His mother is a florist -- and she makes the prettiest bouquets ever; my mom gives me one for Valentine's day every year -- and his father is the chief of police in our city. His mother doesn't have much to do with the perfectionist-stick-up-his-ass thing, but his father most certainly does. Itachi's the only son Fugaku Uchiha's got, and I guess he wants Itachi to be the model of perfection he never quite managed to be.

To Itachi's credit, he's doing a kick-ass job.

At the moment, we're sitting on the steps in front of the school, watching all the other students leaving for the day. I don't have my license, and even though Itachi does, he's been getting violently carsick lately, so we're both stuck waiting around until his mom tells us whether or not she can make it in to pick us up, or we get sick of it all and walk home. I _hate _walking home, so my begging has been centered around waiting for his mom. Not that I beg much, mind you. It's just…something that occasionally happens.

Neither of us is really in the mood for talking, so it's all very quiet and nice until someone trips over my backpack -- I left it lying in a place that could be considered _in the way, _I guess, but this guy's still got to be a klutz or super-distracted_ --_ and ends up sprawled on the concrete landing in front of us. That's probably my bad, and I say as much when I lean down to help him up, but he knocks away my hand and pushes himself up on his own.

"I don't need -- oh. It's _you."_

Unfortunately, this is a new and typical reaction. Deidara's gone, so me and Itachi have jumped to new infamous heights. Then again, Itachi was always up there because of his daddy's job, but this is worse than usual. I don't recognize this particular redhead, but he'll probably introduce himself, and then we can all talk about how very sad we are that Deidara's gone. Bastard probably didn't even know him. I'm sick of fake condolences, fake mourning. There shouldn't be any mourning, anyway. He's not _dead. _Probably just…chilling with the faeries. Under some bridge. _Trip-trap, trip-trap…_but that story has a troll, not a faerie, and certainly not a crazy blonde. Deidara's _fine, _and no, I have never been to bathe in a river in Egypt.

"You're the girl who let Deidara get kidnapped."

Well, holy fuck, but that's a new one. I hate to admit it, but I'm struck completely speechless by it. Luckily enough, Itachi isn't.

"You can't blame a skinny teenage girl for being unable to fend off a kidnapper." He points out quietly. The redhead just scoffs and shoves his hands into his pockets, and I don't feel quite so bad anymore about possibly being the reason he ate concrete. Some people, you know? Obviously, Red here is just a bastard, and he's decided to take his bastardness out on me, the unsuspecting Blue who happens to have pissed off the universe recently. Damn. And he had to drag Deidara into it, too. The missing-maybe-but-not-really-dead should be left out of school arguments.

Really.

"She could have done _something,"_ He says, and I feel completely justified in claiming there was a hint of obstinateness in his bored don't-fuck-with-me tone. I _don't _know how that's possible; I mean, part of me wants to say the kid's emotionless, and part of me wants to say he's a smug bastard. "I know Deidara. He wouldn't have been quiet about it."

"I was _passed out,"_ I begin, ready to launch into what Itachi has started referring to as my regalia of excuses. "And anyway -- wait, how do you know Dei?"

I mean, it's not all that weird that Deidara might have had a friend I didn't know, I guess, but still. Our school's pretty big, and I know that I don't really have any friends other than Deidara and Itachi. It's kind of…I don't know. Weird. Depressing. Whatever. It's just off, to find out that Deidara might have been secretly, skytouchingly popular.

It's also probably not true. Red doesn't look like a popular kind of guy. His chest is not a miniature billboard, and I'm pretty damn sure that those are hand-drawn scorpions on his knock-off Chucks. I'm just saying. This description totally does not come from my own pettiness or irritability. Did I mention he looks just a bit scruffy, in my most humble opinion?

"He was in my art class."

"He's still in your art class." There we go. Itachi's finally contributing something to the conversation. It's damn near time he decided to do something helpful. "Deidara is not dead, nor has he transferred."

You know, normally I would jump on this new ammunition to fuel my side of the argument -- Itachi's always helpful when I'm running low on things to keep asses guessing (my god, I just really don't like Red, and I don't even know his name) -- but there's just something about Itachi that's bugging me. True, he normally speaks roughly as much as the dead, but he just sounds so tired and sick. I mean, I know I already said that he can't handle even the shortest car ride well, but that's so recent.

Maybe I've got one friend missing and one horribly, horribly diseased. Fuck my life. Actually, fuck their lives, because they're the ones who are suffering. I'm just the completely healthy, completely useless onlooker.

Red obviously hasn't noticed anything weird about Itachi. Why would he? "Yeah, whatever. What were you guys even doing out that late, by that park?"

Something about the question throws me for a loop, not to mention the fact that Red's now seated himself on the stair below me and looks like he cares about the answer. Am I just being overly hostile? Is he just another teen looking for a new angsty story to write emo poetry about? Maybe he's going to go home and cry to a Dashboard Confessional album.

…yeah, I am being too harsh on him. DC isn't even that emo. I know all of two songs by them, of course, but…

Terribly off topic.

Itachi's head swerves just slightly, and I can see the edge of one of those intense black eyes focused on me. Naturally, Itachi wants to know just what excuse I'm going to use, so he can corroborate with it later. For a police officer's son, Itachi is rather well versed in the arts of cheating and hiding. Then again, I've never witnessed him telling an outright lie -- he twists and bends the truth so that it falls apart all by itself.

_I _have no such inhibitions or morals. "Just talking. It was a random place."Red looks sideways at me, glances once at Itachi, and rolls his eyes in one of the most outward displays of emotion I've yet to witness from anyone but me during this particular encounter. "Really. See any freaks while you were talking?"

"…hm?" I know. It's a terrible response. But he's so close to what was going on that it's shocking, and it's probably pretty damn obvious that he caught me in something I shouldn't have done.

Apparently, it's at least obvious that the question surprises me, because he hastily slips in a nice little addendum. "It's just -- I know that there are some pretty weird people in that area. I know a few of them, uh, personally. Maybe…maybe some creep like that took Deidara. Sorry I -- well, sorry. Bye."

And then, just as suddenly as he tripped into my personal space -- although admittedly with less pain on his part, I'm sure -- he stands up and heads down the concrete stairs, hiking his backpack higher on his shoulders and ducking his head low.

"Odd," Itachi says offhandedly, while I gape in a manner that must be referred to as Fish. "Sasori doesn't usually stutter -- or stumble, excuse my wordplay -- like that."

Now this is just wrong. "You _know _him?"

Both of them. Goddammit.

Itachi shrugs slightly. "You barely pay any attention to the world outside your personal space and time, Konan. Sasori Sabaku lives in the same apartment building as you."

"Well, shit. He's not going to murder me in my sleep or something, is he? I was maybe bitchier than I should have been."

Itachi just stares blankly at me, and it doesn't take much longer for the two of us decide that it's time to walk back to his house. That's not incredibly comforting, but maybe my question was out of line anyway. It's sometimes hard to tell.

* * *

Well well well.

If you've come this far, you must not despise the concept of this fanfic completely, SO LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW WE FEEL!

Right, no.

Anyway, I've come back with yet another story in which Deidara is…currently not present. Aha. Well. This time, I was going to keep him around, but then I got to the end of the prologue and basically said 'BUT O THE DRAMA' and could not resist.

But there is hope.

Anyway.

I'll get on to what you care about. This is expected to be vaguely Pein x Konan -- emphasis on vaguely, because you know I fail at writing straight-up romance -- and'll probably have a few other fun-filled pairing surprises. Yes, there will be yaoi. It ain't fanfiction if there ain't yaoi. (*stoically ignores her multitudes of het fiction*)

And. Um.

Whatelsewhatelsewhatelse.

(I fail at this. I type like I talk, too. Sad, isn't it?)

(By the way, the word "surprises" is a dead giveaway that I haven't made up my mind about the other pairings yet. You didn't hear that secret from me, though.)

Ohhhhhyeah. Uh, there will be faeries and blood? And plot twists? If I don't get distracted and skip off to write Twilight bashery?

Mmmm. Bashery. Sounds like…well, I was going to say dessert, but it actually reminds me of Elizabeth Bathory, and dammit, she gave me nightmares. I used to think she lived in our utility room. (Mind you, I was fourteen at the time, too.)

Aha. I'll just stop writing obscenely long author's notes (I always promise that and then renege on it, don't I?) and sign my name now. Well, not my name, my penname, but --

You get it.

-- conversation hearts, who is no longer the queen of alligators. d-d-d-damn.


	3. 2: holdin' it down for the underground

**. . . a world without danger . . . **

Don't worry, Konan. Deidara's probably just having tea with the faeries. And by having tea, I mean letting them drink his blood or something. They're very persuasive. AU. Akatsukicentric.

note: I'd assume you already suspect this, if you're familiar with my fanfictions, but this chapter uses the f-word several times. Actually, seven. Konan is not pleased. Skip if you must, although it's a rather important chapter. (lul, first time I've specifically warned for language. you guys are having a good influence on me.)

_chapter two._

_holdin' it down for the underground._

I get home that afternoon, after cookie eating contests with Itachi's mom and the world's scariest glares from Itachi's dad, and I can hear the phone ringing like it's about to bounce right off the hook even before I get through the apartment door.

I know that my mom and dad aren't home to answer it; Dad works all day as a real estate agent and Mom is, rather sickeningly, his secretary, like they're some 50's power couple or something. Did they have power couples in the fifties? Am I making up slang just to suit my family situation?Whatever they are, they aren't home, and chances are good that the phone is for me. I don't often get phone calls, so I think it's entirely understandable that I burst through the door as soon as I can, drop my stuff on the couch, kick my shoes in the direction of the kitchen, and seize the phone in a kind of mad lunge. "Hello?" My voice is cool. So, so cool and collected. My luck, it's probably Itachi telling me I forgot my jacket or something.

"_Is this Konan Itakura?"_

That voice most certainly is _not _Itachi. It's more…gravellyscaryunfamiliar. And it knows my name.

"Yeah," I say, against my better judgement and knowing that Fugaku would kill me if he knew I was telling strange people on the phone my name. "That's me. Who's calling?"

"_You don't know me --"_

This so does not bode well.

"_-- and I don't really know you, but I know where Deidara is, and --"_

Holy shitcakes. I manage to tune the rest of the sentence out and just start thinking all those crazy, hopeful, terrified thoughts.

Someone knows where Deidara is. Oh god, is this a ransom call? I have no money! I have -- Itachi has money. Would Itachi pay to get Deidara back? I mean, sometimes I think he absolutely hates the kid, and sometimes I think that they'd make the world's cutest couple if I were sure they were gaybiwhatever, and -- 

_"...are you still there?"_

And I need to focus. "Yeah. I still want a name from you, and then I want to know where Deidara is."

There's a pause on the other line, before the voice comes back, this time confused. _"I -- didn't you call the number? The one on your arm?"_

"Name. Then talk." I don't like this secrecy thing. Is this guy just dumb, or is he, like, a member of the mob? Oh god, did the mob order a hit on Deidara? What the fuck did the kid do? That does not explain the --

"_Kakuzu Hoku. Didn't you call the number on your arm?"_

"Yeah," I say sullenly, trying not to sound like a brat and failing miserably. I want Dei back, not stupid fucking phone numbers that don't work. "It was disconnected."

_"Repeat the number you dialed to me."_

Although I'm rolling my eyes, and although he has no way of knowing that, unless he's _right outside the window -- _but he's not, so I just suck it up and pull out a scrap of paper I jotted the number down on before I took a shower. "Uh, 555-1743. It's disconnected. If this is some fucked up kidnapping --"

"_You idiot, the number we wrote on your arm was 1143, not 1743. Can't you read?"_

"Look, _Kakuzu, _my arm said 1743, and it was hard to make out even that, alright? You have some shitty handwriting, if you were trying to get me a _real _phone number -- and what the fuck does this have to do with Deidara, anyway?"

A sigh. _"I'm getting to that. I didn't write that -- my -- someone else did. He's the one who realized what was happening to Deidara. You should be damn grateful we got you out of there when we did. You were nearly carried off by them, too."_

Them. Faeries. Someone else. Someone else with shitty handwriting. This Kakuzu creep who is using a definite tone with me. This is all pretty much shit, and I'm about sick of it. "Explain right-fucking-now, or I swear to god, the police will be motherfucking directed to your fucking number, I _swear, _I don't _care_ if your daddy is a faerie and he wanted Deidara to come to his thousandth birthday party, you have _no right --"_

"_Calm down. Deidara's fine, as far as I know, and my father certainly is not a faerie. Look -- you're right. Deidara is with them, and he deserves a taste of that for being so damn curious. I wouldn't be telling you any of this, but --" _

He stops talking for a solid minute, and I'm afraid to interrupt his silence -- he was getting somewhere, somewhere important, and I don't want that to slip away. I just want Deidara back. I hate this feeling, like I just keep losing pieces of him and everyone else, and no matter how hard I grasp, I can't pull them all together. I'm never going to be able to -- even if he comes back, there's always going to be a piece that's gone, isn't there?

Finally, Kakuzu Whatisface starts talking again, slow and quiet and I have to be silent and think to catch everything. _"-- but you're not the only one who has stupid friends, and -- and I talked to Sasori, and I feel bad about how you'll be losing the other one soon --"_

Losing the other one.

_Losing _the _other _one.

Itachi.

"What do you mean '_losing the other?' _I don't -- wait, Sasori? What does Sasori know about Itachi? What are you --?" Maybe that's panic that's making my voice go all high at the end, but I can't help it. I can't lose them both; they're my _everyone, _and lord knows that my everyone needs a lot of looking after.

_I _need a lot of looking after. I need them both, right here, right now.

Kakuzu doesn't seem to be concerned anymore; his voice is crisp and stark against what it was only seconds ago. "_I can't explain this all over the phone. You go to school with Sasori -- next time you see him in the hallway, ask him to introduce you to his boss. He'll understand, and you'll be that much closer to seeing Deidara again, okay? Just ask Sasori."_

The line goes dead in a terribly cliché, terribly heartripping turn of events, and I just sit on the couch with my eyes on my hands until Mom and Dad get home, pizza in Dad's hand and a bag of groceries we don't really need in Mom's.

Itachi doesn't pick up when I call him.

_Chapter title is "Holdin' It Down For The Underground" by A Day To Remember, which has nearly nothing to do with the chapter itself._

_Terribly short, I know. I get the feeling chapter lengths in this one are gonna fluctuate._

_Well, now we know that Deidara's still alive for now…unless Konan's not-so-mysterious caller just knows where the body's been dumped. c:_

_By the way, is the Itachi plot obvious to anyone but me? At first, I thought I was making it too obvious, and now I don't know if anyone's gonna get that one figured out before it's revealed. XD (It's no secret that I LOVE hearing theories.)_

_And three guesses who Sasori's boss is. c: (There are two acceptable answers, but 'Kuzu is most certainly only thinking of one.)_

_And…uh. Things do pick up soon. c: The story's just beginning when we see Deidara's face, be it breathing or not. Konan still has to screw everything up, because that is her way. c:_

_I want comments! I want questions! I want marriage proposals! I want more than six hours of sleep a night! Provide these to me through a review, yes? Or a message. Or a letter written in invisible ink and tied to the back of an extinct passenger pigeon._

_(I am such a creative, shameless review whore. c: )_

_(Save the passenger pigeon.)(I am such a teenage girl.)_

_--ch_

_(I know I said it wasn't coming. This is a consolation prize -- you notice it's short and mostly exposition? Yeah. I'm also going to be updating a shitload of oneshots.)_

_Oh! Also! Does anyone know of any good fics where Izumo and Kotetsu were on Anko's genin team, and therefore fucked over by Oro? I've already read Dance With Me: Poison and Remedy, A Series of Balancing Acts, Breath of a Germ, and a few others, not to mention I'm working on two or three Oto-centric challenges/stories, but I just adore the concept. I'd love to find more!_


	4. 3: decipher reflections from reality

**. . . a world without danger . . . **

Don't worry, Konan. Deidara's probably just having tea with the faeries. And by having tea, I mean letting them drink his blood or something. They're very persuasive. AU. Akatsukicentric.

note: From now on, just automatically assume that Konan is going to fire "fuck" at somebody at least once, mkay? I refuse to M this story on that basis.

_chapter three._

_decipher reflections from reality._

Itachi isn't in school the next morning, but Sasori Sabaku most certainly is, and what can I do but ask?

It's lunchtime, and since Itachi isn't here, I don't have anyone to keep me from confronting Sasori -- that, and Sasori doesn't have anyone to stop me. It's not hard to just walk up to him -- okay, so it's hard, but there aren't any physical obstacles -- and invade his personal space, and _bitch._

"Who the _fuck _do you work for?"

He looks up at me all surprised, his mouth hanging just a bit open, then drops his head back down and stares very intently at the green apple he's got rolling around his palm. He's trying so damn hard to ignore my question -- I should know; I do this to Itachi when he's asking annoyingly logical things all the time -- and I'm not about to let him to this to me. Creep-Kuzu said to ask Sasori who his boss is, and Creep-Kuzu is my best lead on Missing Friend.

"Your buddy Cree -- Kakuzu said that your boss knew where Deidara is. So who the _fuck _do you work for?"

I think it's a simple question. It still takes him two minutes to muster up the courage -- or the _balls -- _to look me in the eye. "I -- work for a guy who knows the -- the --"

"Faeries?" I supply, hoping that my voice is laced with the perfect amount of disdain. Apparently, it is, because he _almost _winces -- I can see the miniscule movement, but I know he's not about to really do it -- and shoves the apple into his backpack.

"Yeah. Those. He knows them -- they trust him. Almost. And he…knows where Deidara is. He could probably get Deidara back, too, but…Pein isn't known for just acting out of kindness. You're gonna have to pay him somehow, or get the faeries to do it for you. I can't see why they'd pay _you _to take away their toy, though. Maybe if you paid the faeries, he wouldn't have a problem with helping you for free..."

"Deidara is _not _anyone's toy," I tell him, one of my hands flying to my mouth and my teeth closing around the nails. Pein. Sasori works for a guy named _Pein. _What the fuck is that all about? It can't be a real name.

Maybe it's an alias, and he's really a drug dealer or a pimp or a Mafia consigliere, and this is all some huge trick just so he can use me as a mule or a whore or a hit --

And _maybe _I could do with a bit less television and a great deal more reality. "Well, you're introducing me to this Pein guy, and he and _I _will discuss payment. Wait -- Itachi. Itachi will discuss payment with him."

At the mention of Itachi's name, something lights behind Sasori's eyes, and I'm sensing a definite idea -- which either means he has a better plan to get me into the whorehouse, or he's figured out something that'll help me, Deidara, and Itachi. "Itachi -- yeah, I bet you could use Itachi as payment."

Fuck that! This little bitch is _clearly _also a pimp, and just because Itachi could pass as a lovely girl -- "Itachi isn't _payment! _What the hell do you think --"

People are starting to stare -- apparently, this hallway starts to fill up halfway through lunch -- and I assume that's why Sasori snatches my hand and drags me out the front doors of the school. I guess this isn't really a conversation to be having this loudly, but I _hate _to think that I'm letting a pimp drag me somewhere I can kick, scream, or do anything else moderately useful, Sasori starts hissing things to me almost under his breath and moves his hand to my wrist, pulling me behind him with surprising strength. "Look -- Itachi _would not be hurt _if you traded him to the faeries for Deidara. Deidara _is _going to end up getting hurt, alright? But Itachi -- he's special. They'd give Deidara to you for Itachi, and I bet Itachi would be a lot happier, in the long run."

"You don't know a damn thing about Itachi," I hiss back, jerking my arm from his grasp, "And I don't know where the hell you're taking me, you freak --"

Obviously, calling him a freak bothers him, because it _does _make him jerk slightly. However, just a second or two of terse silence between us, and he draws himself up to his full height -- it's not much -- and stares me in the eye, face cool and collected. "I'm taking you to Pein. He'll explain everything to you. We can pick Itachi up on the way, if he's not too sick."

I still don't trust him, but he sounds so _sure. _Did Deidara trust him? Itachi claims that they were friends…and that's going to have to be good enough for me, because there really isn't any option, is there?

A sigh, and I'm ready to just-maybe sign my life away. "Alright. We'll go see Pein. We'll get Itachi -- wait, how did you know he was sick?"

Sasori's posture and eyes shift just slightly, and I can tell that he's decided it's time to lie. "He wasn't in school today -- c'mon."

So, for possibly the first time in my life, I run down the stairs with a kid I barely know and skip school.

**xxx**

Itachi's house isn't a far walk from the school, and since the two of us run -- it's suddenly urgent and terrible that I'm not with this Pein guy yet -- we get there in record time.

We're standing, panting on the steps, and Sasori's been pounding at the doorbell for two minutes when the door finally flies open, revealing a rather disgruntled Fugaku.

…just my fucking luck. "Uh, hi, Mr. -- Police Chief Uchiha. Is, um, Itachi home? We needed to…take him with us to the park for a…biology project. On, um, plants."

Sasori gives me a weary look, while I start innerly berating myself -- worst goddamn lie ever -- and Fugaku stares at us suspiciously for a moment. "It's the middle of the school day."

"It's an important project." Sasori offers up, slowly removing his hands from his pockets. Is he afraid of looking like a school shooter in front of the police chief?

It's hard not to tell him _too late. _"Yeah, a really important project, sir. Is he upstairs?"

Fugaku sighs, but nods, and steps aside to let the two of us jog up the stairs. Judging by the lack of yummy smells and slightly off-key singing, Mikoto isn't home. I doubt she's home as much as she used to be, anyway. The flower shop that's been giving her grief must be a constant opponent in her own little Rose War.

When we get upstairs to Itachi's room and bust through the door like narcotics officers, Itachi is sprawled across the bed teen-angst style, and he's even paler than usual. He also does not look amused by our sudden appearance in his bedroom, and I'm just guessing based on the vicious sort of glare he's giving us.

"Why are you two here in the middle of the school day?"

And here I'd thought he'd be happy to see me. "Rescuing Deidara. We kinda need you to come along. You're not, um, puking or anything, are you?"

Judging by the weary look I'm now getting from him -- those damn things are in anything but short supply -- he is, in fact, hurling today. Joy. "Konan, do I ever stay home from school because I _want _to?"

"…no, because you're a robot," I say sheepishly, while Sasori tinkers with an artist's figure on Itachi's desk. The kid has some weird thing for action figures, I guess. Or dolls. Or, well, _toys. _"Look, you know I wouldn't ask if it weren't important --"

He sighs, gives Sasori a sharp glare, and pushes himself off the bed. "Alright. But mind you, I'm only coming because life is, strangely, more peaceful when that idiot's around."

Sasori drops the doll, I manage to call up a grin, and the three of us are off to the slummiest part of town.

Just figures, that our Fearless Savior lives with all the drug dealers. Maybe I should say all the _other _drug dealers, huh?

* * *

_Chapter title is "Decipher Reflections From Reality," from playradioplay!_

_Well. Konan admits that Itachi is the prettiest princess. Sasori is a pimp. Pein is the Pimpmasta. What drama._

…_you know, when I dreamed this story up, it was OHEMGEESRSBSNESS. Now it's…crack. Total crack. I have no talent for setting the proper tone. XD_

_Well, next time, we'll have an especially long chapter -- we'll get to see several more characters. c: And this time, I won't completely forget about one or two existing. Well, I haven't forgotten. One of them just…is inanimate for the duration of this fic._

_Anyway. We all know that I'm a useless review whore, so why don't you all indulge me?_

_--ch has finally written a semi-short author's note, and a slightly longer chapter._


	5. 4: let's bring on the men

**. . . a world without danger . . . **

Don't worry, Konan. Deidara's probably just having tea with the faeries. And by having tea, I mean letting them drink his blood or something. They're very persuasive. AU. Akatsukicentric.

_chapter four._

_let's bring on the men._

"Sasori, I am being stared at by hobos who almost certainly have a record. Are we there _yet?"_

Itachi, Sasori, and I are walking down the poorly-cared for street, and dodging nasty, filthy looks from hobos, and we've been at it for nearly twenty minutes. I'm just about done -- I mean, I _want _Deidara back, but I don't want to lose my life in the process, because it seems very counterproductive, and Deidara probably wouldn't like going to my funeral -- and Itachi looks like he just wants to curl up in an alleyway and die. The fact that he's showing these emotions is one of the worst things. Itachi don't do that shit.

"Nearly," Sasori tells me, distracted and running his hands along the brick wall beside us. "It's just down here. I hope he's not seeing anyone right now -- oh. And Konan, try to be polite. I'd imagine Kakuzu and…his friend will be there as well. The last thing we need is you pissing Pein off by being mouthy to his clients."

"I thought his clients were the goddamn faeries," I mumble, but I make a mental note to play nicely anyway. Can't be pissing off the Fearless Savior, and that's just about the only thing I can think of to call this Pein guy so far. I bet he has Jesus hair. And that he wants us all to join some little Faerie-Fighting Cult. And that he's already got Deidara in his clutches, because Deidara _loves _joining clubs --

"We're here."

Sasori says it so offhandedly that I almost keep walking, but Itachi circles his hand around my wrist and tugs me back. The building Red's led us to is brick like all the others, but somehow, it feels more…useful. Lived-in.

Like it hasn't been totally abandoned. Maybe this Pein guy isn't such a creep after all -- but I'm still certain that Kakuzu has to be. After all, once you give someone a nickname like Creep-Kuzu, it starts to stick.

Sasori pushes through the door without knocking, and I'm surprised that it isn't locked. At any rate, Itachi and I follow him wordlessly, both of us uncomfortable in the dim lighting -- I guess Pein has better things to do than pay electricity bills. Is there even a current run to this place? Because seriously, those battery-powered lights and occasional candles do not make me comfortable. It's like Victimization City around here.

The first room we poke our heads into is empty -- I think it might be a kitchen, but I can't be sure. It's _filthy, _and the appliances suspiciously lack food stains; they're just covered with dust and dirt and…something unpleasant I won't venture a guess at_. _

Sasori makes a kind of _tch _noise and walks on, while Itachi gives the room a once-over with dark eyes. I'm not sure what he's thinking, but I almost hope he'll tell me later -- Itachi looks at the world differently than all the rest of us. It's interesting, to say the least.

The next room has two people in it; one is draped across a few milk crates and one is sifting through a burlap bag, and I think I recognize the first.

He's thin, and pale, and looks like a druggie, with silver hair that's a little too scraggly and pink eyes that watch us all, betraying a kind of intelligence that drug addicts usually can't muster. I'm certain I've seen him before, but I can't think of where -- he was never a student at my high school, I'm sure. I would remember someone in those shades of white.

The other one, who only glanced up at us briefly, is dark-skinned and scarred, with a surgical mask that someone's colored all over placed firmly over the lower half of his face. Him, I'm sure I've never met -- and judging by the way Itachi is staring impassively at the two of them, Itachi can't recognize either one.

It's kind of cool, that I've figured out what Itachi's different blank looks mean. It's taken time, and Deidara still hasn't mastered it.

Sasori ducks his head in greeting to the dark-skinned guy, sliding his hands into his pockets, but ignores the other guy. "Kakuzu. This is Konan Itakura and Itachi Uchiha -- where's Pein?"

Kakuzu.

Creep-Kuzu is here.

Of course.

Kakuzu looks up again, tilting his head to the side, and shrugs just slightly. "He's with one of them -- not from your Court, Sasori, from the other one. I don't know when he'll be done. You might as well sit down."

The other one, the one who might be a druggie, is staring at me unabashedly, and completely ignoring Itachi. I feel uncomfortable under his gaze, and settle down onto the floor beside Itachi and Sasori -- Itachi has his arms wrapped around his stomach and his face towards the floor, while Sasori's pulled a little wooden doll out of his bag. He's got a whittling knife too, and he's shaving off tiny slivers of the wood, perfecting the curves of a child's face.

The normal do not tread here. It's almost painful to think that I fit right in.

"You're goddamned pretty when you're not all fucking bloody," the druggie tells me in a slurred-up voice that just doesn't sound _right, _even for someone who's flying high.

"_Hidan!"_

Kakuzu speaks almost before the guy -- Hidan -- can finish his statement, the deeper voice grating across all of us -- I flinch, Hidan giggles, Sasori's knife slips, Itachi sways just slightly, and I'm not sure who's reacting to what Hidan said and who's reacting to Kakuzu. I'm not sure what _I'm _reacting to.

Before I can cough out some kind of _it's okay, _something beautiful floats in the door, followed by something strange and almost-handsome.

The first one, the inhumanly beautiful one, is a thin young woman with hair the same shade of pink as Hidan's eyes, hair that barely dusts her shoulders and somehow makes me almost ashamed of my own, hastily-thrown up blue hair, especially since it came from a half-off box at the drug store. She regards us all with green eyes that look like cool swamp water, like crocodile backs, and smoothes out creases I can't see in a white-and-red dress before turning to the other who's followed her.

He's much taller than she is, with a shock of unnaturally orange hair -- Itachi is the only one here who could pass for normal, I realize -- and grey eyes, and idly turns one of his snakebites (he has to have the most piercings I've ever seen on one person) while he regards her -- his attention is nowhere near the motley crew in the room, and I think that he only came in here because she did. He doesn't seem to have much interest in the world around him, and something tells me that he's Pein, and that I've been wrong about at least half of the things I've decided about him. Maybe I'm wrong again, and this is Jim from accounting.

It's a lame joke. I won't share it with anyone later.

The woman offers him a beatific smile, before dipping her head slightly. "I hope you'll remember what we discussed -- my Lady is always willing to speak to you."

"Yeah, I'll bet she is," Maybe-Pein tells her dryly, before making shooing gestures with his hands. "Now get out of my house."

Definitely Pein. I don't think Kakuzu or Hidan are happy homemakers.

She just lowers her head slightly and complies, her dress making swooshing noises across the floor and no other sound in the room -- no footsteps, no anything, and especially no speaking from the rest of this.

"Who are they?" Pein asks, tired, as he leans against the doorway. Sasori apparently declines to answer, with that little shake of his head, because everyone's eyes flick to Kakuzu -- except for Hidan's. Hidan is focused on the doorway, staring past Pein, like he can still see the woman.

The faerie?

"Konan Itakura and Itachi Uchiha," Kakuzu says smoothly, before dumping the contents of his bag onto the floor. The rattling of coins breaks the silence, and some of them fly all the way over to where I sit. Kakuzu gives me a glare when I reach out to pick a quarter up, and I don't think it's worth the risk to grab it.

Dude's a fucking creep.

Everyone else has looked surprised, or interested, or _something _to see us, but Pein just looks more tired than ever -- tired and impassive, like Itachi seems to want to always be. "Fine. Follow me -- Hidan, you come too. Sasori, _sit down."_

I wonder for a second why Sasori wanted to follow us, but brush it off. Maybe he's a creep too. Wouldn't surprise me.

Hidan pushes himself off the milk crates and strides to us, surprisingly taller than I'd thought, a grin flickering across his face. "Do I get to go too? Huh, Pein? Do I get to see the pretty bastards too?"

"Shh," Pein says quietly, before turning and walking out of the room. He obviously expects that we'll follow him, and we do -- Hidan, Itachi, and I -- 'cause he kind of has an air about him that makes you _want _to follow him. At least, that's why I do it, that air.

But I know that he's human, so I instinctively trust him. I'm still reserving judgment on just what Hidan is, because there's something surreal about everything he's said and everything he's done in the ten minutes I've known him. Did Kakuzu say something about friends, when he spoke to me on the phone…?Oh, well. I'm sure I'll find out later. I usually do. It's kind of a perk of being me.

_Originally, it went on further, to where Pein chats 'em up, but I figured a quicker update was better than a shit-load of words and scenes._

_We meet Hidan, Kakuzu, Pein, and the OH SO MYSTERIOUS WOMAN. I must admit that Hidan will be in this much more than he was in croc farm; he's fun to write. c:_

_Ah, well, questions, concerns, raves, invites to raves, wedding proposals, fashion questions, links to advice columns -- I welcome 'em all._

_I also kind of like OHEMGEE LONG reviews (much like my author's note) that say nothing but make me feel fuzzy. c:_

_AHAHAHA, LOOK WHO'S WHORING._

_(oh, and i'll love you forever if you catch the little easter egg i snuck in for readers of my other fics. there'll be a ton of them in this, because i can't pass up being a geek.)_

_--ch._

_EDIT: realized i had some shitty wording in places and fixed it. c:_


	6. 5: with legs like that

**. . . a world without danger . . . **

Don't worry, Konan. Deidara's probably just having tea with the faeries. And by having tea, I mean letting them drink his blood or something. They're very persuasive. AU. Akatsukicentric.

_chapter five._

_with legs like that._

The room Pein leads us into makes me think _urban-decay-chic, _which seems to be an oxymoron, and I kind of feel like an idiot for thinking about oxymorons at a time like this.

I should probably feel like an idiot for thinking about most of the things I think about. But still -- the peeling walls and grungy floor and sparse decorations (milk crates, mattresses, piles of…stuff) just make you wonder.

I haven't forgotten that we're in Victimization City, after all, and I kind of wish Itachi were _larger. _I'm pretty sure Pein, Hidan, or Kakuzu could snap him in half. Well, maybe not Hidan. He looks kind of fragile, but he's scary at the same time, y'know?

"Who the fuck was _that?" _Hidan drawls at Pein, before dropping to sit on a flipped over milk crate. I'm starting to think that these boys make a living raiding bottlers, because, well, _damn. _There are other furniture options in the world.

I am such a bitch. Anyway.

I would sit down, but Pein hasn't and Itachi hasn't and I don't feel like Hidan's is the best example to follow.

Pein sighs, and that look he's giving me seems like an irritated kind of blank slate, if there is such a thing. "One of Tsunade's envoys. She seems to think that I'm going to risk my neck to make her happy. If it weren't for Konan and her idiot friend, she wouldn't be even close to right -- but if you want that blonde kid back, we're _all _going to have to bend a bit."The way he stresses "all" kind of makes both my wallet and my pride hurt. I glance over at Itachi to see if he's at all bothered, but there's nothing on that face aside from a slightly green pallor.

He's so gonna hurl soon. I kind of feel guilty about dragging him out here, but I couldn't do this alone.

I never do things alone.

I open my mouth to ask about Deidara, but Hidan's barreling over my words and shoving his own into the air with a kind of desperation that somehow hurts me more than Pein's hinting emphasis. "You -- I -- it's easy, Pein, it's really goddamned easy -- you just give me to the bastards, and then you can have the little blonde fucker, and --"

"I am _not _trading you to the Konoha Court for Deidara Inoue," Pein says firmly, before completely turning his back on an obviously crest-fallen Hidan. I have no idea what's going on there, and I'm not sure I really want to. Is Hidan just an exceptionally nice guy, or is he one of them, or -- ?There are a lot of possibilities, and I can't even fathom half of them. I know that much.

"What's the Konoha Court?"Itachi asks the million-dollar question quietly, and I'm impressed that he's stayed on the ball. Then again, that's how he is. I mean, Itachi's nearing graduation age -- his parents aren't going to have another kid. He's the only chance they've got to really be proud of something, and he isn't going to let them down.

Feeling ill might be enough to make it look like he's not paying attention, but I don't think falling from the moon down to Earth could get that boy to really stop listening. That, and I think it's hardwired into his mind that perfection is the only way to go.

It makes me sad sometimes, but even if I am one of the best friends, it's not my place to tell him to treat himself better.

Pein's mouth twists like he's about to speak and he's not pleased about it, but then his teeth snap shut and he starts to toy with his left snakebite again. The entire room falls into a sort of lull -- I watch Pein, Itachi edges away from an exposed pipe, Hidan hums and rubs his finger along the floor -- until Pein heaves a sigh and sits on the floor, legs sprawled out. I follow his example, and after a moment of obvious consideration, Itachi does too.

Pein starts talking as soon as Itachi hits the floor.

"The Konoha Court is one of the largest faerie groups in and around the city. I assume you already know about faeries --""Only a little bit," I cut in, scraping my nails against the floor and enjoying how the noise screws up the stillness.

He gives me an appraising look -- at least, I _think _it's appraising; if it weren't for the fidgeting, this guy could give Itachi a run for his Emotional Range trophy -- and continues almost as if I hadn't interrupted him. "After all, Konan's seen them for herself. That's not why they took Deidara, you know. They didn't really care that you'd seen them -- it was because he looked interesting."Is Pein telling me…not to blame myself?Well, good, because I've never had that kind of problem.

Again. Damn, but I am a bitch.

Pein doesn't seem to notice that I'm making not-so-shocking discoveries about myself, because he just plows on with his speech. I notice that Hidan is listening intently, which I wasn't sure he was capable of. He really does look strung out.

"Deidara is currently living in the Oto Court. I don't know exactly what's happened, but according to my boss there, he's doing as well as can be expected."

That doesn't sound very good to me, but what do I know? At least he's alive, but then again, there are some things that can be worse than death. Or so I've been told by every movie, book, and song written by someone who thinks they know how to angst.

"As well as can be expected?" Itachi asks softly, while Hidan loses interest in our conversation and flips onto his back to stare at the ceiling. "What does that really mean, Pein?"

The snakebites again. I wonder if they're new, and he's turning them for safety's sake, or if this is really just a nervous habit. You can never tell with some people. No matter what, Pein finally drags his hand away from the piercings and down the side of his face, then answers Itachi in what's probably his most tired voice yet. "It means that he's not dead, and probably not too bloody yet. The Oto Court can be damned scary -- trust me on that one, I've been working for them for years -- but some of them like to make their toys last longer than others. If Deidara's still alive, and he_ is, _then he's got a good chance of lasting a bit longer. Who knows? Maybe he's being kept by someone a bit kinder than the others, and you all got lucky."

Oh, yes. Because having a friend kidnapped by faeries is _lucky. _There are just some situations where luck has nothing to do with it, and this is definitely one of them.

"Alright, so, what do we do to get Deidara back from the bastards?" I ask Pein, trying to inject that kind of cheerfulness into my voice that irritates the hell out of people.

I mean, I remember Sasori saying something about Itachi, and how he could be _payment, _but I'm not so sure this is a whorehouse anymore, and, well, aren't drug dealers supposed to have nicer places than this shithole? They're loaded, after all. But what Sasori said about Itachi made no sense back then; maybe he's the only one on drugs, and Pein's going to make a logical suggestion.

But then he glances sideways at Itachi and dashes all my hopes. "You work for me for two months -- don't give me that look, I'm talking about deliveries to exiled faeries inside the city, you aren't _that _pretty -- and Itachi takes Deidara's place."

If Itachi weren't here, being calm and not spazzing at this fucked-up suggestion, I probably would have blown a metaphorical gasket right there. Instead, I take one of those infamous calming breaths -- it doesn't do jack shit -- and jab my fingers in Pein's direction, who kind of looks mildly surprised. I guess I haven't been outwardly bitchy since I got here all of a half hour ago. This must be a surprise to him.

"I am _not _giving up one friend for the other, because it's damned counterproductive, and cruel, and stupid, and what do you think Deidara would do if Itachi were down there? He'd freak out and try to save him, and then we'd all end up _dead, _and do you want that on your conscience? I don't _think _so, because even if you are a --""_Konan."_

Itachi lifts his head up and manages to stop my tirade with just one word, and it kind of deflates me -- I can't help but scoot over and wrap my arm around his shoulders (_guy's skinnier than I am)_ and glare poisonously at Pein (and Hidan, for good measure, even though he appears to be sleeping and I still don't get why he's here) while Itachi says his piece.

"Why do you want me to trade places with Deidara? I agree with Konan in that it seems counterproductive, and that Deidara would never go along with that kind of plan."

Well, that's totally what I just said, but Pein actually looks like he's mulling over what Itachi's said. What a dick. He was totally just going to blow off what I said. After a moment, he shrugs lightly and inclines his head towards Itachi. "What you don't understand is that you've been there before, Itachi -- Sasori told me about you, and it wasn't difficult to figure out why you've been getting carsick, why being in the city air makes you ill."

Oh, so now he's Dr. Pein, Medical Marvel. I know for a fact that the doctors Mikoto dragged Itachi to haven't been able to figure out anything really wrong with him, like the sickness came out of the blue or something.

I keep glaring. Itachi appears to be listening with interest. I'm really not sure what Hidan's doing. Pein clears his throat and resumes his role as speaker for the house.

"You're one of them, Itachi, and you'll end up going back sooner or later. The best thing to do is say that you'll return to Oto when they give back Deidara -- I have no doubt that they'll be interested; having you and your human counterpart in one place would definitely float Orochimaru's personal boat. Deidara's small change -- you're _one _of them. Of course they'd rather have you."

Well, holy flying fuck on a deep fried stick.

"Itachi's not a faerie," I finally point out, now trying to be gentle. Clearly, Pein is just as unhinged as Hidan, and Sasori is paying us back for some terrible thing we did to him earlier. I should have known when all this faerie shit started up. "He's been my best friend since we were four. I think I'd have figured it out by now.""I think _I'd _have figured it out by now," Itachi adds quietly, before burying his head on his knees. Wow, he must really feel like shit. I tighten my arm around his shoulders and feel guiltier than every for dragging him along on this.

"Yeah, well, you win the prize for world's shittiest friend, because, seriously, I've known him for like, twenty fucking minutes, and _I _could tell, and we all know that I'm a fucking retard."

Hidan's lazy drawl breaks into the conversation, and I glance up to see those intense pink eyes boring into me. Itachi doesn't move. I assume he's listening. "What d'you know about me and Itachi? We've known each other forever --""Yeah, yeah, what the fuck ever. You're best friends with some changeling brat, who stole some other kid's goddamned life. But it's okay, because the other kid's with Oto, and that's _heaven. _Just sucks to be a faerie in the city, because seriously, all the damn iron and metal could choke a god."

Hidan is a total creep, plain and simple. He's calling my best friend a faerie -- Pein's just sat back and let Hidan take over, I've noticed, which may or may not be the reason Hidan got to come along for this little powwow -- and Hidan gets that entranced look and slurred-up voice every time he talks about the faeries. I want to ask what his problem is, but I don't really want to know the answer. I'm afraid I might already have an idea, and it's not pretty, and it makes me even more worried for Deidara. I can't keep brushing this faerie shit off.

I'm about to snap at them -- it's becoming a favorite pastime, because they're all fucking batshit -- but Itachi shifts under my arm and looks up at us all with slightly red, dark eyes. Poor boy looks like shit. "No, Konan -- it…makes sense, to an extent. I've seen some odd things out of the corner of my eye -- _especially _in mirrors -- and I don't feel ill at the park or when my family takes trips to see Shisui out in the country. It's only near the metal, Konan, and if what they're saying is true -- I want to try this. I could always…come back, couldn't I?"Pein's head twitches, and I might be the only one who notices that it doesn't exactly go in a nodding motion, because Itachi nods his own head firmly and signs away his everything. "I'll do it. Let's go see the faeries."

Down the fucking rabbit hole, I guess, and it all goes back to sex and drug dealers, because everyone knows Lewis Carroll was just another pedophile on acid.

_Mmm, alright, so it will be Konan x Pein in some places. I'm also whoring Itachi out big time, because he's so pretty and just has to be shared. c:_

_I am not trying to steal plot points from Tithe or Ironside. (Or Valiant.) Some things just happen. Pinky swear, what happens in the Court is entirely my own. Couldn't resist the changeling bit._

_Chapter title from Zebrahead's "With Legs Like That." Why? There was no real reason. I convinced myself, through usage of intense mental picturing, that it made sense._

_Also, I can't stop imagining Pein in the uniform from Fruits Basket. He's like, Kyou's more rebellious older brother or something. OOH. Somebody write that story and win love, admiration, and…I don't know, a plot bunny shoved in this fic of your choice, or a oneshot, or something. Yeah. You write me a fanfiction in which Pein is Kyou's brother, AND WEARS THE KAIBARA UNIFORM, BECAUSE THAT'S LIKE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART EVER, and you can shove a plot bunny in here. Or something. And it doesn't even have to be crack. They could be mutually angsting about their dead mom, dead!Kyoko, and how Yuki's a jerkface, and then Pein could run off to become a ninja because he can't stand the ANGSTPAIN. Or something else. KYOU VISITS HIS BIG BRO AT AKATSUKI HEADQUARTERS. also amusing._

_EVERYONE. DO IT. YOU CAN ALL HAVE A SPECIAL PRIZE. I'M SO GIVING. /desperate._

_I really want this to happen. I know it's totally not going to. XD Anyway._

_Hidan is seriously, like, the best fucking character ever. Writing him is the shit. Especially unhinged!Hidan. Who is not currently all that important to the plot, he's just fun to toss in. It's probably not at all clear why Hidan got dragged along to the party. XD I guess things didn't go exactly as I was planning. It'll happen sooner or later, I guess. I'm not so good at the outlining; the basic plot for this thing has changed four times since it was first thought up._

_Anyway. MYSTERIOUS PINK-HAIRED FAERIE WHO WORKS FOR TSUNADE is still coveting her secret identity! Pein wants Itachi's damned prettiest princess crown! Deidara may have already won the contest because, after all, the faeries thought he was a fine piece of ass. Sasori…is lounging in some other room and playing with a doll! They're off to see Tsunade! _

_I am secretly excited because like, eight of my favorite Naruto characters are going to show up over the next few chapters. Just so you know. There'll be a shitload of characters, but only a few of them _**matter. **

_Also. Is anyone opposed to hearing from other characters? I mean, I wanted to do something from Deidara's point of view, I wanted to do a specific chapter from Sasori's point of view, and there was something I could only do if I did it from MYSTERIOUS PINK-HAIRED YOU KNOW THE REST's point of view. Is that a terrible writing faux pas? Should I stick to Konan and depend on her magically overhearing vital deets?_

_I'll stop now. I was doing so well with the short notes._

_oh. Other note. This was actually the first time I used "retard" in a fanfiction. Or out loud. Hmm._

_Hidan brings out the worst in all of us, but he makes up for it in awesome, I guess. :c_

_-- ch._


	7. note

Yo.

I hate to admit it, but my interest in this story has…sort of _died. _

Don't worry, I do plan to finish it (there were _such _wonderful things planned, after all), but I'm taking a break to write one-shots for a while. c:

So, don't expect an AWWD update for a while - but there _will _be ridiculously long oneshots about crack pairings! How fun, how fun!


	8. 6: white rabbit

**. . . a world without danger . . . **

Don't worry, Konan. Deidara's probably just having tea with the faeries. And by having tea, I mean letting them drink his blood or something. They're very persuasive. AU. Akatsukicentric.

warnings: Konan and Hidan. You know what that means by now. Oh, and Konan is officially FUCKING DISENCHANTED with this faerie shit.

_chapter six._

_white rabbit._

So, I'm expecting some really fucking amazing magical entryway into the Oto Court, right? Like, unicorns and enchanted faerie doors and keys with wings and shit.

And then Pein leads me, Itachi, and Hidan - Kakuzu stayed behind, fingers shoved down deep into that bag of coins from earlier, and Sasori went home or something, because he's a douche who secretly doesn't care about Deidara in the least - to, of all places, a dumpster. One of those big, green, hey-dump-dead-bodies-in-me dumpsters that you can find behind any shitty Chinese place.

Coincidentally, we are standing behind a place named the Fat Dragon House. I leave the conclusion up to you.

I also appear to be the only one who is at all put off by the fact that Pein is asking us to jump into a dumpster filled with Chinese food, cockroaches, and human body parts, because you _know _that's the organs and blood of a dumpster, just as vital as _my _human body parts are to me.

Hidan's already standing in it, his arms crossed and, I expect, his toe tapping in the muck and criminal evidence. "Come-the-fuck _on. _Every second we waste, your little friend is probably losing his vital organs in fucked-up poker games. Seriously."

Pein just gives him a look. I get the feeling Pein hates talking. Or socializing. Or existing.

Or maybe just us. Who knows.

"He's right - everybody in. The entrance is about two square feet in the back right corner - Hidan, don't you _dare _go in first."

The time has come to, you know, politely request that they rethink. "You guys remember that we're looking for a _faerie court, _right? Magic? Ancient beings? _Elegance? _Are you really sure that we can only get in…through dumpster diving?"

Itachi looks more ill than ever before, which _probably _means that the combination of his newfound faerie ancestry - _bullshit - _and the garbage isn't doing wonders for his constitution. Pein just looks tired. Pein kind of constantly looks tired, and if I felt sorry for him before, or ever, I'm done with that. I have officially reached that point where I am tired, I don't wanna fucking jump in the dumpster, and, oh, gee, I don't see how this is going to help us find Deidara in time.

In time for what, that's a different thought train that I don't wanna hop on.

"Yes, Konan, I am certain that the only way to get Deidara back is to jump into the dumpster and take the initiative to save him. If you'd rather leave him down there, then I'd still like some form of payment. If your mother is currently coveting some diamond jewelry left over from your father's latest anniversary present, that would do fine - "

"Shut the fuck up." Like hell I'm giving that magpie my mother's jewelry, and just leaving Deidara down there to be tortured and _die, _no matter how fucking done with all of these people I am_. _So, fingers clamped tightly over my nose, I take a deep breath and heave myself into the dumpster, only sparing a second to think about _why _the Fat Dragon workers aren't kicking us out of their back alley.

Maybe they're used to this, or something. Working in Chinese food service must be interesting.

After a second of standing thigh-deep in _muck _and _disgust _and _never _having felt a girlier form of revulsion, Pein tosses Itachi in after me - I'm sure Itachi would be affronted, if he weren't hurling off the side of the dumpster - and vaults himself in, before shooing us all towards the back end of the dumpster. Yep, this is normal. Four teenagers, crowded into a dumpster, looking for a secret entryway to a faerie court, from which they will save a fifth teenager.

"Jump."

With the order, Hidan's already gone, Pein is at my back, and Itachi's just removed himself from the dumpster's edge, so I take a deep breath, let my inner drama queen give a squeal of pure disgust, and jump down hard on a flattened Fat Dragon food box.

It gives way underneath me, and all of a sudden, I'm falling, just like down the fucking rabbit hole - but it ends fast, and I'm suddenly sprawled on top of an irate Hidan, who's damning me to all sorts of exotic hells at the top of his voice. Before I can process that _moving _would be a good idea, Pein and Itachi join the dog pile, and we're all just sort of lying there in an exhausted, spicy chicken-covered heap.

Itachi picks himself up rather quickly for a guy who was just hurling, and dusts himself off as best he can. Pein follows, somehow having managed to retain his dignity, and the two of us who _don't _have a superhuman ability to look cool stagger upwards as well, trying to regain the wind that the fall knocked out of us.

"Well, we're here," Pein says unnecessarily, arms crossed over his chest. I resist the urge to punch him. "This is the back entrance, so - "Back entrance.

Back _fucking _entrance. "There's another way? You fucking liar, if it was cleaner and would've gotten us to Deidara faster -"

Hidan's the one who reels me in this time, while removing his shirt and picking bits of garbage off of himself. The idiot's an exhibitionist. "Yeah, no one's ever survived the front way, dipshit, and anyway, this way's actually faster when you wanna find where the faeries fuckin' _party. _That's where your lucky bastard's gonna be; humans get to stick with the party."

"Please stop taking every opportunity to get pissed at me," Pein says mildly, brushing past me to a nearby door - we're in a deserted hallway. "You have more important things to do."

I don't tell him that he has egg roll remains sitting on top of his head like a crown.

_

* * *

_

_So, I was writing an original short-story with some tricksy faeries and grumpy humans, and thought "OH GEE, YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD BE DOING INSTEAD?"_

_It didn't help that my main character had a mouth to rival Konan's._

_And thus, it was born._

_The chapter title is taken from "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane, which is amazing for roughly sixty-three reasons, two of which being that it gave the name to _**Go Ask Alice **by _anonymous (if you haven't read this, I demand that you do so) and that it's actually mentioned in the novels that we all know inspired the fuck out of this thing._

_It's also fucking amazing. Sixties music was the shit, and makes me lament being an American teenager born in the nineties._

_Okay, not the American part. Sixties America = the shit, aside from the fucking Beatles._

_Anyway._

_The Fat Dragon House is all mine, and is decidedly more fun than the Happy Dragon House we get our Chinese from, although probably not as sanitary/delicious._

_One more thing: this fiction may end sooner than expected; as per the usual, I've embarked on some more interesting fanfiction avenues, which will be posted as soon as I find a beta. Hint: It involves Karin, Sasuke, psychic powers, and a Deidara who isn't dead or kidnapped._

_This was going to be impossibly long; now, it might not last for much longer. Who knooows?_

_Short, filler-y chapter; I'm still trying to figure out how to introduce the next bit of the storyline._

_- conversation hearts._


End file.
